


The Veterinarian Scenario

by InsanityRule



Series: It's Always Sunny Script Fics [11]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: AU, M/M, they don't know each other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-13
Updated: 2015-05-05
Packaged: 2018-03-22 15:53:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3734665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsanityRule/pseuds/InsanityRule
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dennis is a somewhat successful veterinarian at a private practice in Philadelphia.<br/>Mac is a well meaning but stupid dog owner of Poppins, a dog that should have died about ten years ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



[11:40 am.]  
[On a Friday.]  
[Philadelphia, PA.]  
[Veterinarian’s office.]  
[Plaque reads Dennis Reynolds, DVM.]  
[Door to the vet’s office dings and Mac with a mangy looking dog rushes over to the receptionist’s desk.]  
Mac: Hey, hey excuse me! [Banging on a bell.] Hello?  
Dennis: [Peeks out from back room.] Ugh you’d think you can find a good receptionist. Sorry about that… what are you holding?  
Mac: It’s my dog and he’s sick well I mean he’s always kinda like this but he’s not eating and I think he’s gonna-  
Dennis: Woah, slow down a minute. [Grimaces when the dog makes a horrible hacking noise.] Oh boy. Alright, well I’m finishing up a check up but you can wait over th-  
Mac: Can you do it now please? He’s really good at eating normally and-  
Dennis: It should only be a few more minutes. Please sir-  
Mac: Mac.  
Dennis: Sit down Mac. I need you to fill out this. [Rustling through papers, muttering.] Great need to rewash my hands… where the hell, here. This one. Real simple. Name of your uh… dog there. Age, that sort of thing. Honestly the only part that matters is whatever symptoms you’ve noticed. Mess around with the rest if you want.  
[Dennis goes back into the back room. Camera angle shows Mac in the background.]  
Dennis: Remind me to fire the receptionist she’s not at her desk again.  
VA: Who was that?  
[Mac sets down his dog and starts writing.]  
Dennis: Oh you know, another overly concerned pet owner. Weird though, because that dog looks like animated garbage.  
[Dog runs, Mac stands and follows.]  
VA: Neglectful?  
Dennis: Not on purpose, probably just stupid. Well meaning at least. Dog probably ate something disagreeable.  
[Mac creeping by the door frame.]  
Mac: Um… hello?  
Dennis: Wh- Please stay out in the waiting room.  
Mac: My dog’s in your air vent.  
Dennis: What now.


	2. Chapter 2

Dennis: Let me get this straight. Your dog went in there. [Points to an open air vent.] And now he’s crawling around in my air duct system, which we should turn off because the heat is on, now not only is your dog in there and we can’t get him out, but we also have to be cold. Thank you sir, really. Why don’t you have a leash?  
Mac: Well [Puppy face.] he’s a free spirit and normally he’s out running around the city-  
Dennis: So you don’t know leash laws either.  
Mac: But he’s real good at coming when I call dude!  
Dennis: [Makes a face.] Dude?  
Mac: Um… yeah?  
Dennis: No, I’m not… nevermind. Call me whatever you want. Have you tried calling him?  
Mac: A whole bunch, dude. He’s way in there I think he’s settled in for the night.  
Dennis: God damnit. He better not croak up in there.  
Mac: You don’t think he will do you? [Pitiful.]  
Dennis: What? No, no just an… exaggeration. He’s probably alright, just… in my air vent. Jesus. Say, do we have any of those fancy dog treats? maybe we can lure him out.  
Mac: I dunno bro he’s never had anything like that.  
Dennis: [Mouths ‘bro’? Shakes his head.] Well, what’s his favorite treat?  
Mac: I dunno whenever we’re at my mom’s place he eats her cigarette butts or the scraps from the table-  
Dennis: Cigarette butts!?  
Mac: Yeah but he’s okay he loves ‘em. Say do you smoke? We can leave some out.  
Dennis: No, no we’re not doing that. Don’t let your dog eat cigarette butts. Or trash. Or anything else he’s been eating that’s not dogfood.  
Mac: I’ll do my best but he likes to roam and-  
Dennis: Here. [Goes over to a shelf. Grabs a leash.] They’re way overpriced just take it. Once he’s out of the vent keep him on that.  
Mac: Woah, thanks dude. Do I just… [Puts the leash clip through the main part of the leash making a terrible surrogate for a collar.] like this?  
Dennis: Tell you what, try that on your neck. It’s pretty similar for your dog.  
Mac: [Puts the noose-like leash on his neck.] Hm… not bad. [Dennis pulls down on the other end and Mac gags.] What the hell man!  
Dennis: You need a collar too. Jesus how is this dog alive?  
Mac: Oh he’s invincible. Yeah we got him when I was a kid.  
Dennis: And you’re just weirdly old looking for twenty.  
Mac: Dude no I’m thirty-five.  
[Dennis makes a choking noise.]


	3. Chapter 3

Dennis: So this dog, this old, old, strange dog, is at least twenty years old?  
Mac: Well I mean I was young I don’t remember the exact year-  
Dennis: And he’s still running around? Breathing? How… I don’t…  
Mac: I think I was ten? I don’t know dude.  
Dennis: Jesus. Great, there’s an ancient dog in the vent… [To the VA.] Say can you finish up with the check up? I need to figure this out.  
VA: Good luck.  
Dennis: Okay, Mac you said?  
Mac: Yeah!  
Dennis: Okay, go out and get whatever you think your dog will eat.  
Mac: Oh, but dude he’s not eating right now.  
Dennis: Just please do your best on this. And don’t you dare run off.  
Mac: Yeah, yeah, I’ll be right back! I’ll run!  
Dennis: It’s fine just get back today.  
[Mac runs off, smiling. Dennis shakes his head.]  
[Skittering can be heard in the ceiling.]  
Dennis: [Looks up.] Shit.

[Mac reappears close to closing.]  
[Dennis pacing back and forth, rubbing his arms.]  
Dennis: God damn it there you are. Hurry up it’s freezing in here.  
Mac: Jesus dude why’s it so cold?  
Dennis: Wh- your dog is in my air duct! We had to turn the heat off and if you didn’t notice it’s freezing outside! Why the hell aren’t you wearing a winter coat?  
Mac: Oh I’m good dude. My muscles keep me warm.  
Dennis: That’s… that’s not even close to how that works but okay. Sure. Now, let’s get some food out so your dog will get the hell out of my vents.  
Mac: Okay! [Slings off a backpack.] I got some bacon, raw, his favorite. And uh… oh! Some lotion-  
Dennis: That’s on the list of NEVER FEED IT TO YOUR DOG.  
Mac: Oh.  
Dennis: Just… what else? [Rubbing his eyes.]  
Mac: Um… well he likes to eat hair gel and shampoo and shit. Uh, garbage. Once he ate my wee- [Panic.] -eeeeeekly planner?  
Dennis: Your planner.  
Mac: Uh huh. Yeah.  
Dennis: I can condone none of this food. In fact, most of it isn’t food at all.  
Mac: He likes jerky?  
Dennis: Sure, fine. That sounds acceptable. Give it.  
Mac: I didn’t bring any of that it’s like his, tenth favorite food.  
[Dennis puts his head in his hands.]


	4. Chapter 4

[Camera close up on some bacon cooking on a coffee maker.]  
Dennis: This is probably the dumbest thing I have seen in a long time.  
Mac: You won’t let me give him raw bacon and hey, maybe the smell will call him over. Dogs have good senses right?  
Dennis: When they’re not eight hundred yeah, they do.  
Mac: So he’ll have to come out! And then you can give him a check up and see why he’s not eating!  
Dennis: Have you considered that he’s just old?  
Mac: Yeah I mean, he’s an old dog but they can live a long time. Like, as long as people.  
Dennis: That is absolutely not true. No dog has lived to the age of thirty.  
Mac: That’s not true! Dogs live to be like, a hundred!  
Dennis: [Rubbing his eyes.] In dog years, Mac.  
Mac: Dude do not say shit about my dog. He’s awesome. He ate a whole box of Snickers once and he was fine!  
Dennis: Your dog continues to worry me, I hope you realize this.  
Mac: Poppins is great.  
Dennis: Poppins. Who the hell came up with that?  
Mac: What’s wrong with his name?  
Dennis: Nothing, nothing.  
[Mac pulls the bacon off the coffee maker. It looks absolutely wrecked.]  
Mac: Hey Poppins! I have a snack for you! [Lays bacon on the floor by the open vent.] POPPINS!  
[Dennis and Mac sit back.]  
Dennis: How long does it take him to come usually?  
Mac: Uh, I dunno. I mean sometimes he runs off for like, weeks. He always comes back though and he’s super cuddly when he’s around. Poppins! [Bending over, sticking his head in the vent.] Where are you Poppins?  
Dennis: [Staring at Mac’s ass.] I think I heard him in the ceiling after you left.  
Mac: Really? [Looks up at Dennis over his shoulder.] Shit dude this is bad. What if he can’t smell the bacon?  
Dennis: There’s way more problems than that. Maybe he’ll come down once it gets colder.  
Mac: What do we do until then?  
Dennis: [Shrugs.] There’s some overnight animals that might want some attention.  
[Mac’s face lights up.]


	5. Chapter 5

[Mac is lying on the ground. About five puppies are crawling all over him.]  
Dennis: You look ridiculous. [Mac looks up at him by craning his neck back, exposing his neck to a puppy lick. He laughs. Dennis smiles.] They’re eight weeks old. Labs.  
Mac: They’re super fluffy dude. [Lets a puppy gnaw on his finger.]  
Dennis: Yeah, that’s the point. See they’re all cute and loveable now but when they grow up they get mean and crawl into the veterinarian’s air duct to die.  
Mac: Dude he’s not dead there’s no way. He’s like, immortal.  
Dennis: Dogs aren’t immortal ever dude. I would hope I know these things being a vet.  
Mac: Yeah well you never got to examine Poppins. [Sits up. The puppies pile into his lap.] Dude they’re so friendly.  
Dennis: They’re teething like crazy and you let them chew you up.  
Mac: Dude dogs are awesome I’d have like, ten if I could.  
Dennis: Please don’t get ten dogs.  
Mac: No dude I know I don’t have the room… Well I mean I do but not me it’s more like my mom and-  
Dennis: What now?  
Mac: It’s no big deal dude my mom needs like, company and shit so I live there. I could totally live somewhere else if I wanted to but I mean, why would I?  
Dennis: So you’re a basement kid?  
Mac: Dude my room is upstairs.  
Dennis: It’s- naw, okay, not a basement kid. [Sighs.] We should check that vent.  
[The food is gone.]  
Dennis: Son of a bitch.  
Mac: [Holding two puppies.] Dude he’s quick I guess we should’ve been out here.  
Dennis: Yeah I… what did you do with the rest of the puppies?  
Mac: Uh…  
[They go back into the back room. Nothing.]  
Dennis: You are a whirlwind of destruction! First your dog, now the puppies! Jesus! And they need back in here this is the only room with the space heater! The rest of this shithole building is an icy tundra! [Mac’s making a puppy face amplified by the two puppies he’s still carrying.] What are you doing stop making that face. [Mac shrugs.] It’s… it’ll be fine, okay? Let’s just, [Rubs his face.] Let’s just go looking yeah? Here, put those two back in their kennel and we’ll look together.


	6. Chapter 6

[Out in the main office.]  
Mac: I got one! [Pulls a puppy out from behind the computer tower.] It’s all warm back here dude.  
Dennis: Thank God at least something is going right. You know, I wish I could forget about your dog sitting up in my air vent, maybe coaxing small adorable puppies up into my vents so they can get lost. I’d really love to have to tell the people that want to buy these puppies that, oh, I’m sorry, they’re in an air vent because this guy came in with an ancient dog that pied pipered them into the vent.  
Mac: Dude you lost me.  
Dennis: Most of these puppies are already sold, dude. They’re just not old enough yet.  
Mac: [Puppy licking his face.] Well, we’ll get them all them dude. This one wasn’t even that hard to find. [Shock.] Woah you called me dude!  
Dennis: What? No, no I- shit. I do not talk like that understand?  
Mac: Dude it’s cool I talk like that all the time.  
Dennis: Yes, and your life is going just like you planned.  
Mac: Well, I dunno dude I got my friends and my mom and my dog once he gets out of your vent. Sounds pretty good to me. [Hands Dennis the puppy.] I’ll go looking more dude.  
Dennis: [Shakes his head. Lifts the puppy up to his face.] Think he’s a good one? [Puppy licks his nose. He frowns.] I don’t know if that’s approval you’re going to have to clarify. [Licks him again.] You’ve been a great help. Thanks.  
[Dennis puts the puppy in the kennel and goes out to find Mac.]  
[Mac is climbing one of the shelves.]  
Dennis: I doubt they managed to get up there.  
Mac: You never know dude. Give me a boost I can’t get up high enough.  
Dennis: Sure thing. [Puts his hands on Mac’s ass to boost him up.]  
Mac: Uh, dude, what’re you doing?  
Dennis: Just a little boost, right? C’mon dude we need to find those puppies. Damnit! Just… just get a good look from up there okay?  
Mac: [Blushing.] Um… alright I guess.  
[Dennis shoves Mac up onto the top of the shelf.]  
Mac: Okay du-[Bashes his head on the ceiling.] Shit! Dude that hurt!  
Dennis: Careful! Jesus you’re going to tip the shelf over. Do you see anything?  
Mac: Um, no dude it’s hard to see- [Bashes his head again.] Okay now I’m getting pissed off!


End file.
